Question Existing
by Stranger Danger
Summary: “Here I am relying on men I don’t even know to throw money at me. I’m allowing them to just put their hands wherever they want because I need the money.” ONESHOT Slight Palex


**Question Existing**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Degrassi. I don't own this song, Rihanna does. Also, I got the idea from this story from a video I saw on Youtube. I don't remember who the video was from, but it was called something like "Question Existing (Alex Stripping)". Check it out, it's an awesome video. As soon as I saw it, I wanted to write this!

**A/N: **First of all, for everyone who's reading my other fic, "The Suffering" HINT HINT PLUG PLUG, I didn't forget about it! The new chapter will be up by the end of this week. It's just that the idea for this story popped into my head last night and I didn't want to forget about it. And since it's a oneshot, I figured I could just spit it out and go back to focusing on a chapter story.  
Anyways, this story might be a little confusing to read, but I hope it isn't. I don't normally write in first person, but here I am, writing in first person. The only thing is that I'll have a flashback in third person, and then have it go to Alex talking about what's going on in first person.

**Warning!** This story contains a lot of swearing and a super brief decription of stripping. I didn't think it was enough to rate the fic M, though. Also, this story is kinda sorta Palex, but it's not about them at all.

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_"And now, please give a warm welcome to one of our newer faces- the sexy and talented Lextacy."_

_A slow R&B jam began playing. Backstage, Alex took a deep breath and stepped up towards the stage. She took one last look behind her. Mel gave her a supportive smile, along with another girl she didn't know. She stepped onto the stage and immediately felt blinded by the light. This is good, she thought. They can see me, but I can't see them. I got nothing to worry about. She sauntered towards the pole, slowly undoing her robe._

All my life, I told myself I wouldn't be like my mother. I was never going to rely on a man for anything. I told myself I would be strong… independent, even. Where am I now? About to shed my clothes and slide around a pole in some lace panties like some sort of slut. Here I am relying on men I don't even know to throw money at me. I'm allowing them to just put their hands wherever they want because I need the money. Correction, _we_ need the money. This is just until we're out of the hole and the eviction notices are gone. I swear I'm out of here as soon as everything is paid for.

**Take off my shirt  
Loosen the buttons and undo my skirt**

_The robe came off first. She slid it off of her shoulders, giving the men a glimpse of her bra. There were hoots and hollers from a group of drunken men in the first row. The first wad of cash for the night came up. It had to have been at least twenty dollars. Alex smiled inwardly and walked towards those men. She continued to slide off her robe until she reached them, when she dropped it completely. There were some lewd comments, but Alex had learned how to handle them without wanting to punch someone in the face. She leaned in, and this time she didn't even grimace when she felt the first of many pairs of grubby hands feeling up on her._

Paige hates what I'm doing… what she thinks I'm doing. I know she would lose all respect for me if she knew I was a stripper. _I_ lost all respect for me for doing this. I know she thinks less of me for being a server at Zanzibar, but times are hard. That's one thing she'll never understand- the desperate struggle for money and survival. Then again, even Jay looks down on me now, and he knows what I go through. He may not say it like Paige does, but I can tell he's disappointed in me.

**  
Stare at myself in the mirror  
Pick me apart piece by piece  
Sorrow decrease  
Pressure release**

_The song ended and the men were cheering. Alex walked back over to where she dropped her robe and bent over to pick it up. Yet another hand went to smack her ass. Another hand reached forward, throwing her a little more money. She pulled the robe on carefully, so she wouldn't drop any of her money, and walked off stage as fast as she could. Backstage, she could still hear men cheering after her before the announcer cut in introducing the next talent. She sat down in front of her dresser and slipped off the robe. She looked at herself, feeling nothing but disappointment._

At least no one I know gets the satisfaction of seeing me like this. Well, Jay may have been in the audience. But I suppose seeing me in a bra and panties is nothing to him. I mean, he's seen it all. I can see Mel standing behind me in my mirror. I think she's talking to me, but I can't concentrate right now. All I can concentrate on is my reflection- I look like hell. No, I look like a cracked out prostitute. The excessive makeup… the hairspray… Shit, Mel just asked me something! Am I ok? Do I look fucking ok to you? I just went out there and showed off my body to complete strangers because I need the money. Am I fucking ok? No, I'm fucking disgusting. I bury my face in my hands now. Mel's hand is rubbing my back and the tears are already coming out. I don't want everyone to see me like this, all weak and vulnerable.

**  
I put in work  
Did more than called upon  
More than deserved  
When it was over did I wind up hurt? (Yes)  
But it taught me before a decision, ask this question first: **

_Alex cried briefly and Mel stood there being supportive. She wanted to talk to Alex, but she knew the type of person that Alex was. She wasn't the type of girl who would willingly have a heart-to-heart and admit what was troubling her. Sure, Mel could take a guess at what was bothering Alex, but she would never know the whole story. Mel knew she wasn't Jay. She would only ever know as much as Alex was willing to tell her._

Why is Mel still hovering over me? Shouldn't she be serving drinks to the sleazebags out there? I shouldn't sound so ungrateful; she's the only person behind this stage who could give a damn how I'm feeling. The other girls are only concerned about themselves, though a few are jealous of me. What, do they think I can't hear them talking about me? I guess that they can't understand how a girl like me with no type of experience is able to just walk in and get the best pay of the night. I don't understand it, either, sometimes. I also don't understand them. How can they go out there every night and do this in front of strangers? I know they need the money as badly, if not worse, than I do, but they just seem so numb to it all. Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me so deeply. Maybe I should just give up now while I'm ahead.

**Who am I living for?  
Is this my limit?  
Can I endure some more?  
Chances I'm given  
Question existing**

_Alex walked out of the club. She had washed off the makeup and put her hair back in a ponytail. Her stripper outfit had been swapped in favor of some comfortable blue sweat pants, her trademark white wife beater and a grey hoodie. However, the men still knew who she was. More than one guy had offered her a ride, amongst other things. She refused them as politely as she could. Instead of walking home, she had called a cab. She made more than enough money tonight to spare about twenty dollars for a cab._

Another day, another couple hundred dollars in my pocket… I shouldn't be doing this, serving drinks would have brought in money. Wait, who the hell am I kidding? The money I make as a server is pocket change compared to this. The rent money is coming in fast. Hell, I may have gotten the rest of the rent money tonight. If I made it all tonight, I'm stopping tomorrow. One last dance onstage, and then it's back to serving. I'm promising this not only to myself, but to Paige and Jay and hell, even my mom.

**Take off my cool  
Show them that under here I'm just like you  
Do the mistakes I made make me a fool?  
Or a human with flaws?  
Admit that I'm lost**

_Alex walked up the stairs to her apartment and walked in through the ever unlocked door. She couldn't have been within five feet of the door before stepping on a beer can. Of course her mother was drunk. When was the last time Alex had ever talked to her sober? She went straight to her bedroom without even glancing at the kitchen. She bent down to the last row of drawers on her dresser and pulled the middle one all the way out. She pulled a metal box out of the dark space and opened it. This is where she had been hiding her money for as long as she could remember._

Six hundred… seven… eight fifty… nine twenty-five… That's definitely the rent money, and then some. In fact, I can take a hundred out of here for me. I can buy something nice for Jay and Paige as a way to sort of make it up to them for fucking up my life so much. No, I should know better with Jay. He knows I'm changed- that I don't steal like we used to. He won't want anything, because he knows where that money has been and where it came from. That's what I love about Paige- her naivety. I can buy her off easily.

**  
Round of applause  
Take the abuse  
Sometimes it feels like they want me to lose  
"It's entertainment,"  
Is that an excuse? (No)  
But the question that lingers whether win or lose is: **

_Alex went into the kitchen and made a disgusted face. Her mother was fast asleep at the kitchen table still holding a can of beer. Alex shook her roughly and then waited. Her mom stirred and sat up quickly, looking to snap at someone, anyone. She saw Alex and her anger subsided a bit. Alex handed over the money, explaining that it was for the rent. She went on to say how she had a busy night and the customers are unusually good tippers. Her mom gave her a crooked smile and told her that she was a good daughter._

Leave it to mom to be slumped over the table clutching her beer for dear life. I know they say that a mother always loves their child, but sometimes I wonder if it's all just a bunch of bullshit. She seemed pretty irritable when I woke her up. That is, until I showed her the money. I still can't believe she thinks I made this all at some bistro. This is the first time I've seen her smile in a long time. If only she knew how I got this money. She sure wouldn't be smiling then.

**Who am I living for?  
Is this my limit?  
Can I endure some more?  
Chances I'm given  
Question existing**

_Back in her room, Alex got down on the floor and retrieved the box again. She took out the remaining hundred and some dollars and wrapped a rubber band around it. She then put it in a pocket of her backpack. Tomorrow she was going shopping. She then looked at the only two things that were left in the box. One was an old photograph. Alex couldn't have been any more than two years old in the photo, but both her mother and her real father were in the picture with her. Who knew where her father was now, though, or he was even alive. The other item in the box was her journal._

My mother used to have such a nice smile. I guess they were right in health class when they talk about how drugs and whatnot really fuck up your teeth. They sure as hell did a number on mom. Not to mention whatever asshole of the week would get his fists on her. I love that picture. I could easily show it to anyone and say that I have a normal home life, too, but I won't. I may lie to people what I do for a living, but I damn sure won't lie about where I came from. And this journal… well, it's been through everything with me. All the fights, mom's boyfriends, everything about Jay, all of my firsts, Paige… I guess it's time I fill in this old thing again.

**Dear diary  
It's Robyn  
Entertaining is something I do for a living  
It's not who I am  
I like to think that I'm pretty normal  
I laugh, I get mad, I hurt  
I think I suck sometimes**

_The next morning, Alex discovered that her mom wasn't home. On one hand, this surprised her, but on the other, it didn't. She had just assumed her mom would have been passed out on some piece of furniture. Maybe her mom had gone down to pay the rent. Whatever the case was, she didn't waste her time worrying about it. She was out the door by eleven and was on her way to The Dot to meet up with Paige for lunch._

So, lunch with Paige went better than I had expected it to. Of course, she gave me her usual disappointed look when I brought up work. I was pretty quick to change her expression when I told her I was quitting. Of course, I didn't tell her that I was quitting stripping. I told her that I was quitting Zanzibar, and as soon as I said it, I knew I meant it. Tonight would be my last night as Lextacy. Tonight would be my last night inside of that club. Paige is coming to pick me up when my shift gets done at ten.

**  
When you're in the spotlight everything seems good  
Sometimes I feel like I have it worse because I have to always keep my guard up  
I don't know who to trust I don't know who wants to date me for who I am  
or who wants to be my friend for who I really am...**

"_And tonight, for her final appearance, may we all give a _very_ generous goodbye to the beautiful Lextacy."_

_A slightly up-tempo song came on this time. As Alex started up the stairs, she didn't bother looking over her shoulder. Once she hit the stage and the light was on her, she was greeted by thunderous applause. Maybe she was imagining things, but it seemed to her that it was a lot more crowded than the night before. She felt overwhelmed. She was really going to go out in style. As she started her final routine, she Jay was sitting a few rows from the stage. Alex shook quickly looked away. _Focus,_ she told herself. _This is your night. Own it._ She went on with her routine, putting Jay out of her mind. The crowd was into her, so she may as well be into her last performance._

I think it's pretty funny yet pretty weird that Jay is here. If I didn't know any better, I would swear he looked a little too happy. I don't know if it's because I'm stripping for him or because he knows it's my last night doing this. Wow, the money I'm getting tonight is insane. I'd say it's enough for a nice little weekend getaway to Vancouver. Paige should be here in a little bit. The look on her face today was amazing. So far, I've made two people smile today… well, more than that if you count all those bitches who were happy to hear I was quitting. I never realized how good it felt to make another person smile. Maybe that whole good citizen act isn't so bad. I think I'll tell her about my plan to go to Vancouver. Maybe I can convince her to join me.

**Who am I living for?  
Is this my limit?**

_Mel walked Alex to the front of the club and gave her a hug goodbye. They knew they would talk again. Paige's car was on the other side of the street. She had the windows rolled down, and as soon as she saw Alex, she smiled and waved. Alex returned the smile and ran across the street to the car. As soon as she was in the car and shut the door, Paige started driving. She instantly bombarded Alex with about twenty questions at once, all of which Alex chose to ignore. Instead, she asked Paige to take her home really quick so she could freshen up and they could go out and do something._

It's really nice to be out of there. I could do without Paige's third degree, though. How much did you make? Are you gonna miss it? Did they throw you a going away party? I would have. Blah, blah fucking blah, Paige, do you ever shut up? Not that it's bothering me too much. As soon as we get home, I'll just throw on some jeans and whatever clean shirt I can find and I'm out of there. Mom will be, as usual, too drunk to know whether I'm coming or going, anyway.

**  
Can I endure some more?  
Chances I'm given**

_Alex quickly ran upstairs and into the apartment. This time, her mom wasn't passed out somewhere. No, she was standing by the door smiling at her. Behind her was no other than Chad. He smirked at Alex and a chill went up her spine._

"_Mom, what the fuck," Alex was livid._

"_Well, you know that money you made at the bistro really came in handy. I mean, it was enough for Chad's bail. And I bet you made enough for the rent tonight, right?"_

_Alex pushed past them, feeling sick. She slammed the door to her room behind her and got down on her hands and knees. She pulled out the drawer and retrieved her metal box. She threw that into a duffel bag along with the few clothes that she had. As soon as she was done, she rushed to the front door, turning around to face her mother._

"_I didn't make that money at a Bistro, mom. Just ask me how I made it, go right ahead." Without waiting for an answer, she was out the door and running back to Paige's car. She got in and threw her bag on the back seat. "Paige, how does a weekend in Vancouver sound to you?"_

You gotta be fucking kidding me. I'm out there degrading myself for this? I put myself through so much shit to support my mom and me and she goes and blows the money like it's nothing? She didn't even have the decency to spend the money on liquor and cigarettes. No; she has to go and get fucking Chad who stole from us out of jail. What kind of shit is that? The money I fucking stripped for and she blows it on that loser! I can't fucking believe that. I was right when I said that it was all a bunch of bullshit about a mother loving their kid no matter what. If my mom loved me, she wouldn't have wasted my money on Chad. I'm just so… I'm surprised Paige didn't give me a third degree as soon as I hopped in the car with my bag. A weekend in Vancouver will be nice and all, but maybe I'll stay out there. It could be good to have a fresh new start.

**Question existing**

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**A/N:** So, what did you guys think? I don't really like doing oneshots, because I never really know how to end them without making it seem like a cliff hanger. Not to mention I had wrote like 3 different endings to this before going with the one I liked the best. Any tips, comments or complaints? Review away! And don't forget to check out my other fanfic (it's a palex one) orrrrr you can read my other oneshot, Demoltion Lovers (that one is jalex though).


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